I’m a pretty simple guy, one who doesn’t often dabble in frivolity. So you might understand how trips to Babies ‘R Us never leave my cravings to climb atop my soap box of practicality unsatisfied. Some of the items you can buy are nothing short of outrageous.

Disclaimer: I am about to reveal some of these products that I deem utterly unneccessary. I am doing this from a very harmless perspective, and am sure some of you enjoy or see the benefit of these items. Maybe you can’t live without one of them. I am not saying these things aren’t crucial to your ability to raise your child. I’m simply taking a point of view and amplifying it to a place where we can all laugh at ourselves a bit. Please, do not be offended if I bash your go-to luxury item.

(But, maybe you should reassess your need for gadgets. I’m just sayin’.)

Product #1: The Gro Egg Digital Room Thermometer

This thermometer, retailing for $24.99, changes colors to let you know if your baby’s room is too cold, too hot or within the correct temperature range of 61-67 degrees. Nothing egregious here, but I just think I’d rather spend my 25 bucks on something that doesn’t remind me of the homeland security rainbow. I can read a two-digit number; I don’t need changing colors to save me the two seconds it would take to get close enough to read them.

Product #2: Wupzey High Chair Food Catcher

See here’s the thing. You’re gonna end up cleaning up the food either way, whether it’s on the floor, wall, ceiling, your face, your dog, your flower arrangement, or inside this giant funnel. To me, it would be worth it to pay $15 to avoid the additional steps of attaching and removing this food catcher every time your child eats. And wouldn’t it smell like a raccoon after a few days? But fear not! This amazing investment comes in any of the nine colors you know you were considering.

Product #3: The Wipes Warmer, several brands

There’s practically an entire aisle dedicated to this product. Clearly, it’s popular. Many of you reading this probably have one. I, for one, don’t want to mislead my child into believing that everything that’s going to come into contact with her tush will be soothing and warm. No. She can handle the cold. Imagine her shock when she first uses toilet paper. Or rides a bike in the rain.

 Product #4: Double Stroller Netting

For when you’re pushing your stroller thru the Amazon, naturally. So I’ve already been enlightened by a friend who actually registered for this fly net. It would come in handy if you were camping, which they plan to do with their twins. But last time I checked, there aren’t a lot of paved trails at your local KOA. I bet most of the baby transportation will be via sling, Bjorn or other carrier. I’m sure I’m wrong. Just taking a side. Plus, that thing is ugly.

Product #5: The First Years Babypro Sterilizer 

Likely the least offensive product on this list, the Babypro Sterilizer “kills household bacteria on bottles, pacifiers and small toys.” Kinda like soap and water does. I know, we’re all worried about germs and bacteria and babies are susceptible to all illness, but really? This reeks of some company asking themselves “what product can we put in a flashy box, charge a boatload for, paste some fancy words on, and fool people into believing they can’t live without?” I think soap needs to up their advertising.

Product #6: Sozo Wee Block Absorbing Sponge-Lil’ Squirt

More humorous than anything else, the Wee Block’s description makes your baby boy sound like quite the sniper: “A baby boy loves to take direct aim at you when being changed.” Aim?!? I speak from endless experience here: three-year-old boys don’t aim. Infants certainly aren’t. But yes, babies do love to pee when that diaper comes off. Block it with a rag or something. No need for a jock strap just yet.

Product #7: Leachco Prop ‘R Shopper

If you spent $60 on this, you need to find a charity. You baby needs to sit in a padded seat because the shopping cart is too rough, or too dirty, or too whatever? Where do you put your baby while you take five minutes to snap it into place? On the floor? Because that’s much more sanitary and comfortable. Or how about this–leave your kid in the car seat! It’s not that difficult, people, and your 60 bones could be spent much more wisely.

Product #8: Summer Infant Complete Coverage Video Monitor Set

Now we’ve reached it: the swankiest of the swanky. The $300 video monitor, complete with 7-inch LCD color flat screen and 1.8″ portable video screen. It crosses my mind that there may be circumstances in which a video monitor would come in handy, like if your child has shown he can scale his crib, but the amount of surveillance required to make this worth its cost is insane. Sure, the camera may catch your Houdini attempting a jailbreak, but you have to be there watching for it to matter. Do you really want to sit in your kitchen, watching a color video (of a dark room) of your child sleeping? Waiting for him to make his move? That sounds like a sad evening to me.


4 Responses to “CYNICdaddy”

  1. Rachel Levitt Says:

    You were right; fantastic post! It’s shocking yet somehow not surprising that this stuff exists. My two favorites are the high chair funnel and the netting. For cleaning up food messes: That’s what a dog is for. Plus, that thing looks like a bitch to store and wash. Do you hose it down in the yard or something? And yes, the netting is ridiculous. If you ever went down the street in one of those, I guarantee everyone would think your kids had some kind of Oprah-caliber-weird illness.

  2. M Melendez Myers Says:

    In response to your attack of the stroller netting I must remind you that we live in the great state of Minnesota where the unofficial bird is the mosquito. Amazon: very large biting/stinging bugs. Minnesota summer after a moist Spring: very large blood sucking vulture bugs that you can feel land on your skin and could possibly suck the life out of a preemie in an unprotected stroller. Yes, there are repellants but I’m not lathering my babies up with chemicals if all I have to do it slip a cover over them. Yes, there are blankets but, again, this is a Minnesota summer we are talking about. Would you wrap yourself in a blanket that doesn’t breathe and blocks your view of the beautiful sunny day?
    Yes, they are ugly, but so are swollen red bumps that itch like the dickens and make your baby cry.

    So maybe it is hideous for a walk around Como lake, and maybe the bugs aren’t that bad here in the city. Avid campers go deep and if your tiny kiddos are relaxing in their bouncy around the picnic table, how perfect is a little slip cover netting that protects from the biting beasts and allows visual contact and a cool breeze?

    In response to your KOA comment: The website for Natural Bridge State Park KOA in Montana quotes “The paved paths start at the parking lot…” Many others offer the same convenience along with other can’t-live-withouts like wireless internet. Check your facts.

  3. Nils Says:

    Tally. [BOX]

  4. Carrie Says:

    love, love, love, this post! Hi-larious! although, I am a confessed video moniter

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